imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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