I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize