So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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