i don't like sucking hair
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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