i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
