Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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