I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
