You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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