i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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