If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
