It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
