I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
