I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
