My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
zippers are such a cool invention
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
