I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
