You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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