I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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