I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize