nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You had me at "let me see your balls"
COCAINE IS GR8
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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