genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
