Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize