It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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