I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
