those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize