there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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