Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
