Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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