I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm always down for nudity.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
