In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
