Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
