Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
