Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
