tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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