My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he fucked my hip out of place.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
