why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
