My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
