What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize