All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm having to shit out rocks
that may or may not have been my penis.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
