does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
