paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
