I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
