Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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