I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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