as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
