we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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