Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
