Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
