We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Alive.
So much puke
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
