Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
