It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
