At least make sure they are 18
Why
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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