I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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