If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
