I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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