At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
