Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
