we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
