turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
