i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
