totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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