some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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